Well,  I decided to take a break from the rocking chair…..  So tonight I am sitting on the couch listening to the little man yelling from his bedroom.   It is now two hours after he went to bed….. Every night, two hours after he goes to bed, he wakes up and cries for me.  Then he does it again, and again, and again, all night long.  I am really quite flattered that he wants to be with me, but not every two hours all night long.  This kid thing is so incredibly difficult in so many ways that I never imagined.  I never imagined that I would have to sit and battle with myself about whether or not I should go to him….  I never imagined I would feel this crazy pull in my heart that makes me want to run to him and make it all better…..  The longer he cries, the more I cry inside, but sleep.must.come….  I feel like a shadow of my former self.  I want to wake up and feel glad that the day is beginning instead of dread that another day is upon me so soon.  I love this little being more than I can even describe, but he makes me see all the things in me that I do not like.  This really is a reflection for the rocking chair, but tonight I will have to be content to sit in the light and think these thoughts.  They seem safer somehow in the dark, holding him….

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